De-mock-crazy - A one act play

Actually a farce wherein rats steal the show

Ajaz A Baba
Srinagar, Publish Date: Jan 20 2018 11:43PM | Updated Date: Jan 20 2018 11:43PM

Dramatis Personae:

Co-ordinator

Senator Quixote, an unaligned member of the senate named after the legendary Spanish character as he too has a habit of charging at windmills.

Senator I, II, III, IV, V, VI… ad infintum, ad nauseaum

Senator- in-Chief

Guy-in-waiting, the Wannabe Senator-in-Chief

Peacekeepers

The Grinning Peacekeeper

Rats

 

Scene: An emergency session of the Senate is in place to discuss various issues related to certain idiosyncrasies of grammar.

 

The Curtain lifts

 

[Senate members of assorted sizes, ages, denominations etc. are seated in their seats. Some of them are dozing, some whispering between themselves, some gazing fixedly at the ceiling, some gazing fixedly at the floor, some in various stages of yawning.]

 

[Enter the Coordinator.]

 

[The Coordinator takes his seat and bangs the gavel repeatedly on the table more to disguise his loud belches and other sounds of digestive origin than to bring the house into order.]

 

Coordinator [clearing his throat]: We have assembled here to discuss various matters related to language and grammar. As we all know a sentence may merit a fullstop [frowning at Senator Quixote] but equally it may merit a question mark [smiling at the Senator-in-chief] or even an exclamation mark (this with a smirk directed towards the Guy-in-waiting). We have received a representation from a member here [waving disdainfully towards Senator Quixote] regarding the issue. 

 

Senator Quixote: I beg permission from the Honorable Coordinator to submit my representation and I solicit the attention of the ...er...respectable Senators. I want to affirm that there should be a full stop to the killings and maiming and random arrests. I ...

 

Coordinator [interrupting]: Let us put the representation to a vote. Those who agree will say 'Yeah' those who don't may start neighing or simply say 'No' or 'Nah'. Those who want some remuneration for voicing their response will name their price and those who can't make up their minds will just keep mum. 

 

[A murmur goes around the senate which steadily increases in intensity.]

 

[Enter Peacekeepers and The Grinning Peacekeeper]

 

[The Peacekeepers stand on the right side of the stage their hands stretched out palm upwards. The Grinning Peacekeeper smears their palms with superglue and directs them to put their hands in their pockets.]

 

[Exit Peacekeepers and The Grinning Peacekeeper]

 

[A rat enters from the left side of the stage and scurries across the floor.]    

 

Senator I [shouting excitedly and pointing at the Rat]: Rat! Rat! There is a Rat in the House! 

 

[Senator II sitting in the line of Senator I’s finger rears up in his seat and shaking his fist at Senator I shouts out an obscenity.]

 

Senator III [nodding in the direction of Senator II]: He is not the only Rat in the House. 

 

Senator IV: Unparliamentary language!

 

Senator Quixote: I want to affirm that there should be a full stop to the killings and maiming and random arrests. 

 

[Another Rat scurries across the table behind which the Guy-in-Waiting is sitting. He doesn't even bat an eyelid as it scurries past him. The Senator-in-Chief winks at the Rat as it moves past him. The Rat winks back. Another Rat rushes in from the wings and climbs up the leg of Senator V who falls down in a faint.]

 

Senator VI: Murder!

 

Senator Quixote [rather agitated]: There should be a full stop to the killings and maiming and random arrests!

 

[More Rats come on to the stage from different directions.]

 

Senator VII: This is an attack on the parliament!

 

Senator VIII: This is not the parliament, stupid!

 

Senator VII: [in a voice full of surprise]: Don't tell me! I paid to become an MP!

 

Senator Quixote [more agitated]: There should be a full stop to the killings and maiming and random arrests!

 

 

Senator IX: Police! Call the commandos!

 

Senator X: Better get a cat!

 

Senator XI: Somebody call the Pied piper!

 

Senator Quixote [gnashing his teeth]: There should be a full stop to the killings and maiming and random arrests!

 

[Almost all Senators rush from their seats (the Senator-in-Chief and the Guy-in-waiting and a few others remain seated) some fleeing from the rats, some trying to catch them. They fall over each other, push, pull, punch, kick. There is pandemonium on the stage.]

 

A shout out of the melee: Got one of them!

 

A muffled shout out of the melee: Let go my nose you #*@%#!

 

[There is a free-for-all on the stage.]

 

Coordinator [loudly]: Peacekeepers!

 

[Enter Peacekeepers]

 

[The Peacekeepers have their hands glued to their pockets; they just stand and survey the scene with helpless expressions on their faces.]

 

[Exit Peacekeepers]

 

Coordinator [banging his gavel till it breaks, then bangs his head on the table but the pandemonium continues, he lifts his head a smug smile on his face gets up on his table and hollers]: Hurr! Hurrrr! Hurrrr-e! Hurrrr-e! Hurrrrrr-e!

 

[These words have the effect of a magical spell on the senators! They jostle each other as they try to leave out of the door towards backstage, some of them shout 'Maaaaw' and 'Mooooo' as they move. The whole Senate thus moves out. Senator Quixote is carried along by the jostling crowd.]

 

Senator Quixote [waving his legs in the air] I demand a full stop to the killings and maiming and random arrests!

 

Senator XII [giggling uncontrollably]: Congrats Senator your Representation has been Rat-ified!

 

[The Coordinator gets up and hurriedly leaves for the backstage by the right side belching continuously as he moves. The stage is now fully empty. The Grinning Peacekeeper enters by the right side. He collects all the battery operated rats, switches them off and puts them in a bag. He faces the audience, winks and for special effect protrudes his tongue sideways to add a flavor of obscenity to the wink. He then skips and waddles and catwalks and exits from the sidewings.]

 

The curtain slows falls. [Loud canned cheers play on the loudspeakers on the stage, effectively blocking out the jeers from the audience.]

 

                                                                          Finis  

 

(Truth is mostly unpalatable…but truth cannot be ignored! Here we serve the truth, seasoned with salt and pepper and a dash of sauce (iness!). You can record your burps, belches and indigestion, if any, at snp_ajazbaba@yahoo.com)  

 

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